Favorite Stories from Seinfeld

My Favorite George Story

[Scene: Beach. GEORGE voiceover]

So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys --

[Scene: Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, KRAMER]

I was terrified. But I pressed on. And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist.

[ELAINE arrives.]

ELAINE: George, I've just been reading this thing in the paper. It's unbelievable.

GEORGE: I know, I was just telling them the story.

KRAMER: Come on, George, finish the story.

GEORGE: The sea was angry that day, my friends, [pause] like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about 50 feet out and, suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

JERRY: Mammal.

GEORGE: Whatever.

KRAMER: Then, what did you do next?

GEORGE: Then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him — face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in [reaches into his coat], felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [Pulls out his hand, then shows golf ball.]

KRAMER: Is that a Titleist?

GEORGE: [Nods.]

KRAMER: A hole in one, huh?

From The Marine Biologist, written by Ron Hague and Charlie Rubin. Originally aired February 10, 1994. © Castle Rock Entertainment

Hear part of it here


My Favorite Kramer Story

[Scene: JERRY's apartment. KRAMER, JERRY, GEORGE]

KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for?

JERRY: Because she came down to the club and heckled me. I gave her a taste of her own medicine.

KRAMER: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, all right.

JERRY: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.

GEORGE: What accident?

KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building, and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable!

KRAMER: Yeah. After the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.

GEORGE: You ran?

KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy, step on it!"

GEORGE: Holy cow!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Then, all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat, and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I says, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy." [Makes punching moves.] Plow! Plat! Ke-yah! Knocked him out cold.

GEORGE: How could you do that?!

KRAMER: Then, everybody is screaming, because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is OUT of control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel. Now I'm driving the bus.

GEORGE: You're Batman.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then, I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door, you know, with my foot, you know, at the next stop.

JERRY: You kept making all the stops?!

KRAMER: Well, people kept ringing the bell!

GEORGE: What about the toe? What happened to the toe?

KRAMER: Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.

GEORGE: You did all this for a pinky toe?

KRAMER: It's a very valuable appendage.

From The Fire, written by Larry Charles. Originally aired May 5, 1994. © Castle Rock Entertainment

 

The content of this page may belong to the author. The transcription, however, is the result of my research and hard work. It may not be reposted on any Web site, newsgroup, mailing list, or other publicly available electronic format. Please link to this page instead.

Praise? Blame? Advice? Comments? Send me your thoughts

Updated: July 4, 1996